Getting a hug, making a baby, singing a duet or playing football. What do each of these things have in common? They are all examples of things that we can not do alone. No matter how much we want to, no matter what we believe or have been told about ourselves, we really can’t waterski by ourselves.

 Forgiveness is also another thing that is not intended to be done alone. It has been suggested to me for many years during my sobriety that I must add myself to my eighth step list and forgive myself in my nineth step. I know this is a popular notion among those of us in recovery; however, I’m going to suggest that it is a bit of our popular western culture that has crept into recovery circles and even into our Christian community and it is false doctrine. I plan to take you through the problem of self-forgiveness, the biblical view of forgiveness and end with some alternatives to “forgiving yourself” that are based on the truth of scripture.

I was introduced to the idea that self-forgiveness is false teaching through a book entitled, “The Voice of the Heart” by Chip Dodd as part of the curriculum used at one of the recovery meetings I attend. This book helps us discover the gift of the eight feelings: hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt and glad. Each feeling is a gift from God and serves a purpose in navigating life’s challenges. And each feeling has a gift or gifts associated with it.

Western Culture’s View of Self-Forgiveness

Maya Angelo has said to, “Forgive yourself – no one else will.”. “Forgetting your evil and forgiving yourself” was said by William Shakespeare. And Confucius said, “The more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.”

All of these quips are thought to free you from guilt. I’m going to suggest to you that guilt is an emotion and gift from God that allows us to feel and accept that we’ve been in the wrong, made mistakes or put another way, we have sinned. What we gain through guilt and the following forgiveness is the deepness of relationship with the forgiver.

Many years ago, I committed an act that hurt my wife deeply to the point where we even separated for a period. I sought forgiveness from God and also from her. She didn’t need to give me the gift of forgiveness, but she did. Since that time, we’ve been together for over 25 years and we would both say that those events drew us together in a way like nothing else.

Author Chip Dodd in his book says, “The deeper the harm before forgiveness, the deeper the relationship can be when forgiveness is granted.”

True healing doesn’t come from self-forgiveness, but from receiving forgiveness from outside of ourselves.

Dodd says, “Human beings are created for relationship, not self-containment”. More on that later.

The Problem with “Forgiving Yourself”

The phrase, “forgiving yourself” implies we are both the offender and the judge. Do we offend ourselves and if so, are we positionally capable of judging ourselves and doing so impartially?

One of Dodd’s themes in the book is that humans are wired for connection, which means our brokenness and healing are inherently relational. God has been in an eternal relationship as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He is three persons in one. He created us in his image, so we are too relational.

Dodd says, “We cannot heal ourselves by ourselves. We are wounded in relationship, and we must be healed in relationship.”

Guilt and shame signal us that we need to reconcile with another person, which includes God, not just with ourselves.

Remember, you can’t hug yourself.

How the Bible Views Forgiveness

Being a “redeemer” is someone who repays, recovers, saves, or exchanges something for something else (per Dictionary.com)

When we commit an offense against someone, they, only they, can be our earthly redeemer. They can decide to forgive, offering a path to move forward of healing and restoration to the person who made the mistake.

Imagine you stole some money from your neighbor. When you get caught, you go to another, different neighbor and ask for their forgiveness. Sound ridiculous? When we ask to be redeemed, to be forgiven, it must be of the one experiencing harm.

Fortunately, as Christ-followers, we have the Ultimate Redeemer in Jesus. We can’t redeem ourselves from our sin, as we offended God, so only God can forgive our sin fully,

Psalm 51:4 – “Against you, you only, have I sinned…” (this is David appealing to God, not himself.)

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us…”

Forgiveness is something we receive, not something we generate internally.

Jesus’ death and resurrection make reconciliation with God and our redemption by him and others possible.

Alternatives to “Forgiving Yourself”

Confession to others: Dodd says, “Healing occurs when we are known, especially in our brokenness.” Confession creates vulnerability and trust paving a pathway to both love and grace in our relationships.

James 5:16 – “Confess your sins to one another… that you may be healed.”

Self-forgiveness isolates us. Confession and forgiveness connect us to others.

Confess to God: Sometimes others we’ve harmed will not offer us the gift of forgiveness. It’s wonderful when they do, but they may not be at a place where they understand how hanging on to the resentment of what you’ve done, now only harms themselves. We must release them to work this out on their own. The true offense is against our loving, creator God. We humbly come to him and ask his forgiveness, and we then repent – change direction – meaning we have no intent to ever commit this same harm to anyone again.

1 John 1:9 – “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Be True to Yourself:Be honest and acknowledge that you have real guilt and sorrow and that it really hurts to hold onto it. Accept the forgiveness of others and most importantly know and accept that God’s forgiveness is complete, no matter the offense. And when needed, allow others to help you on the path of restoration from your sin. Believe in and accept the identity God provides to you, as a chosen son or daughter of the King. Allow his grace to wash over you. Not because you deserve it, but because you have been redeemed, paid for, by the shedding of his blood.

Galatians 2:20 – “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

You Were Never Meant to Forgive Yourself

True freedom comes not from convincing yourself you’re okay—but from hearing it spoken from the lips of grace, perhaps from another person, but always and importantly from our Lord and Savior.

True healing doesn’t come from self-forgiveness, but from receiving forgiveness from outside of ourselves.

In Christ, you are fully known, fully forgiven, completely redeemed and fully loved.